At school we learned it early: whoever raises their hand first gets to answer. Not whoever has the right answer.
Organisations aren’t much different. A management position opens up. One candidate immediately raises a hand, full of energy and plans. Another, who has been carrying the team for years, hesitates. Guess who gets the job.
Wanting isn’t the same as being able
We read confidence as suitability and doubt as a lack of drive. That’s convenient, because it spares us a difficult conversation. But it isn’t quite right.
People who hesitate may simply have thought it through. About what the role costs. About what you let go of: the craft you’re good at, the bond with your colleagues, your evenings. About what you haven’t mastered yet.
So the question isn’t: who wants it most? The question is: who knows why?
Know yourself, then lead others
“Know thyself” was already inscribed above the entrance of the temple at Delphi. It remains surprisingly relevant for anyone who wants to lead.
I like to start from Robert Kegan. He describes how adults grow in the way they make choices. In an early stage, we’re mainly guided by other people’s expectations. What does my boss think? What is someone like me supposed to do? From that stance, saying yes to a leadership role may be more of a socially desirable choice than an intrinsic motivation.
In a later stage, you develop your own compass, what Kegan calls the self-authoring mind. You weigh expectations against your own values. And then you choose. Sometimes no. Sometimes yes, on your own terms. And sometimes you hesitate for a while, because you take the question seriously.
That turns the picture upside down. The quick yes isn’t always the sign of a leader. Sometimes it’s the sign of someone who hasn’t yet learned to lead themselves.
More feedback training, or more self-knowledge?
David Day and his colleagues distinguish three levels at which leaders grow: what you can do, who you are, and why you do it. Competencies, identity and values.
Look at the average leadership programme and you mostly see the first level. Giving feedback, delegating, having a difficult conversation. All useful. But the question a hesitant candidate struggles with, “am I someone who leads, and do I want to do it this way?”, won’t be solved by an extra feedback module.
At that level you don’t learn from slides. You learn by slowing down: analysing the moments that shaped you, questioning your own assumptions, and having conversations with people who dare to hold up a mirror.
Coach the doubt away, or put it to use?
Those questions don’t come out of nowhere. They surface at tipping points: a new role, a promotion, an organisation moving into a new phase. Or the moment a successful leader realises he can’t keep performing this way for another ten years.
Organisations then sometimes want to get rid of that doubt as quickly as possible. A coaching session, a pep talk, and on we go. I’d do the opposite: stay with it for a while. Whoever skips that question simply takes their old way of working into the new role.
And let’s be honest: sometimes doubt says more about the organisation than about the candidate. Someone who sees up close how managers work, without time, without a real mandate, with the role simply added on top, doesn’t decline out of a lack of courage. They’ve simply been paying attention.
Three questions for your next promotion conversation
Where does the doubt come from? From self-knowledge, from fear, or from what someone sees happening to the current managers?
Is this person choosing for themselves? Don’t only ask the ones who hesitate. Ask especially those who say yes straight away.
Is this role worth taking on? If your best people decline, the problem may not lie with them.
In my work I regularly meet strong leaders who never asked for it. They knew why they did it, and they were honest about what they couldn’t do yet.
So perhaps we should turn the debate around. Not: how do we persuade hesitant people to lead after all? But: how do we make sure that those who say yes straight away hesitate for a moment first?
Inspired by the article “Is Reluctance to Step into Leadership a Sign of Maturity or a Red Flag?” by Alexis Zahner, Martin Gutmann and Scott J. Allen in Harvard Business Review.
